After having a successful workout this morning my head started to clear up a little bit. I just feel like I’m tired of competing with people. I’m tired of comparing myself to others that aren’t anything like me. I want to be at a point in my life where I’m happy with myself completely and where I’m not judging myself every minute of everyday.

I just want to be whole again.

I re-read this everyday. I really hope you’re right Nana

Ne hachi,
My little puppy, my little heart whose always pumped so freely and true. I cannot explain the way I feel reading your words, when you hurt, I hurt. Two souls, one heart pumping in a beastly unison, when I feel you falter I weaken.

I often wondered how you would react being so far away from such s loving and connected family. They love you so much, so real and true and that’s the kind of love your used to.

The military is not made for love, built on grey and white walls, it is not suited for the colors we knew back home. Brilliant blues and blinding yellows, echoing off every living thing.

You are not a dog, despite your name. I told you once littl hachi, you deserve the whole night sky, and that wasn’t a lie.

No single star will ever shine bright enough for you, you deserve to be blanketed in every night by thousands, millions kissing your skin to sleep. Somewhere out there, there’s someow suited for your heart.

I wish I could love you how you needed to be love, cuddle you to sleep at night, maybe if there was a male version of me put there to make your world bright again.

Look for love in the unexpected, the one you’d never give a second thought too and you might be surprised. Till then, m’dear, the world may seem to blur and darken, corning you in every move…but I promise you even in the blackest night there is a light. Even if it’s so faint you can barely see it, it’s there.

Once you return home, to the streets you grew up on, allthose fimiliar sounds and smells. The beating of st Louis heat on your face, you’ll be recharged..ready to face the world once more. One hug from momma and the boys, one smile, one visit. And it’ll all be okay again.

I miss you, I miss our afternoons, I miss our lazy days. Sometimes I can’t help but think it was a mistake..other days, our only ticket out of that place.

One day when everything is right, the color will seep back into everything.